Welcome to WTFunds, where we do what nobody else does and… actually talk about money. Ever scrolled through your Instagram feed, wondering how your friends are affording their lifestyles when they’re making the same amount of money as you and you can barely rub two dimes together? Read on, because we’ll be talking to real people to break down how much things cost, and how they’re paying for it.

Buckle up, because if you’re engaged and just starting the wedding planning process, this article is going to be a real kick in the ass.

Between engagement shoots, invitations, the venue, the food, and all of the different vendors you’re likely going to work with, the final bill for your wedding is not going to be easy to swallow. However, speaking from personal experience, neither my husband nor I (nor my parents) went into crippling debt as a result of our giant party. Why? Because although that final number is huge, you’re paying for a lot of these things over the course of a year (or more, depending how long your engagement is). So, it’s pretty easy to forget just how much your wedding will end up costing at the very end, since you aren’t paying that giant number in one sitting. That’s how it gets ya, fam. A couple of notes before we dive into real life costs:

First, I was working full time and making about $45k at the time; my husband, Kyle was also working full time and making about $85k at the time. My parents’ original budget for us was $29k; everything after that was on us, which ended up being something we all still LOL about. Kyle and I did (and still do) reside in Asheville, NC, where the wedding took place. We consider it a destination wedding, since literally no one on our guest list or in our wedding party lived here at the time. We still hear the off-handed complaints about how expensive hotels were, so be ready for that, too. We also decided to buy a house five months before our wedding, because planning a giant event wasn’t quite stressful enough. We also originally invited around 190 people and had about 115 end up showing, which is pretty decent for a destination affair.

There are a few items you may notice missing from the lists below. For example, we didn’t pay for a wedding cake because we have a bestie who’s a famous pastry chef in Charleston. We also didn’t pay for 115 mismatched antique China place settings, since Kyle’s mom just happened to have those lying around the house, because, you know, who doesn’t. These are little things, but, as you’ll see as we creep closer to the final number, every little bit helps in the never-ending bill cycle that is wedding planning.

Pre-Wedding Costs

As soon as we got engaged in July 2015, the planning process began. Because we weren’t getting married until late October 2016, we had a lot of time to space out costs and knock stuff out that would have otherwise been expensive had we waited.

Engagement Photoshoot: Kyle had a good friend from college named Anna who wanted to build her photography portfolio. Since we’re cheap, her cost of $400 for six hours of shooting seemed right up our alley. We used those pictures for our Save the Dates, so, essentially, we were able to kill multiple animals with one stone.

Invitations and Save the Dates: Once you set a date, it’s time to let everyone and their mom know about it. Knowing we’d invite close to 190 people, we sent out 85 Save the Dates from Minted for $209.95. Why only 85? Because we had mostly families of two to four folks coming, which was awesome for our invitation bill, too. For our invitation suite, also from Minted, we spent $643.67 on 85 invitations, reception inserts, and direction inserts.  That’s $853.62 for fancy stationery telling everyone to come spend money on us.

Wedding Certificate: Luckily for us, for the state to actually recognize that you wanna do the damn thing and get hitched, it will only cost a cool $60 in North Carolina.

Rehearsal Dinner: Our rehearsal dinner was shockingly cheap, since we decided to have it in a brewery because, ya know, Asheville. Turns out, the brewery we chose had never hosted a rehearsal dinner before, and therefore charged us $0 for the space. So, between the catered food my in-laws had brought in and the beer tokens they got, the total cost sat right around $1,200.

Big Day Costs

Although I won’t put a price on pain and suffering, getting to the actual big day was basically a never-ending parade of phone calls and emails to make sure so-and-so was bringing this at this time; Mary Lou knew which hotels she could stay in; my mother-in-law asking if she could bake cookies in our house the day before the wedding, etc. The actual moving pieces that made up our wedding day are long and involved, but not outside the realm of normal. We had a photographer, florist, ceremony space, venue space, and caterers to deal with, like most couples do. Here’s a glimpse into what our costs were for all these very necessary pieces.

Photographer: $3,763.88 for two shooters and eight hours of shooting (plus an online gallery later). That’s WAY lower than the average cost of two shooters. Why? Because my mother-in-law, Sicilian as she is, pulled some strings and called in some favors. KMI Photography, a husband and wife business, is based in Wilmington and have shot every one of Kyle’s sisters’ weddings. So, when presented with a trip to Asheville, they both said “yas queen” and gave us an amazing deal AND amazing photos. Win.

Flowers: All together, our flowers came to $2,258.06, which included $2,078.06 for a toss bouquet, nine bridesmaids’ bouquets, a bridal bouquet, a flower girl bouquet, seven centerpieces, a church bouquet, cake flowers, and two delivery/drop-offs from our actual florist. Then we paid Etsy another $180 for ten boutonnieres, made with feathers, dried flowers, and other less expensive sh*t.

Venue: This gets a bit complicated, so stick with me. Our venue bill included all alcohol and all food except a few desserts, so this is all-encompassing. It also included wedding planning to a degree, decor, the venue itself, and lots of other random sh*t. The final invoice was $27,633.34. That included a long cocktail hour and what ended up being a six hour open bar (which some people really, really chose to abuse). Here’s the official receipt from the final invoice:

Additional and Outside Food (i.e. dessert): All of the food we had was included in our venue cost, but we did pay for a few extra desserts from French Broad Chocolate, a local dessert spot that literally makes its own chocolate. For brownie bites, cookies, and whatever else, we spent $243.67. Additional desserts were made by our families, who we threatened (kind of), and provided for the low price of free.

Band: For four hours of music and six musicians plus meals for all band members, we spent $3,695. This was pretty f*cking reasonable, considering the band ruled and played “Shout” until everyone was dead. Plus, I didn’t have to listen to a DJ tell me to PUT MY F*CKING HANDS UP even once during my entire reception which, I think, is really priceless.

Transportation: Altogether, transportation cost us $1,410.50. That included two limos for my giant wedding party (bridesmaids and myself; hubby walked from his hotel with the guys) at $648 and two old-school trolleys at  $762.50 to take the entire wedding party and some guests from the church to either the botanical gardens, where we had pictures done, OR to the venue. Is your head spinning yet? Because I’m getting a migraine knowing how much money we blew on one day. Let’s move on.

Ceremony: For the Basilica where we got married, the organist, and reserving the actual church, our grand total was $2,360. That included $1,500 for the Basilica itself, $125 for a cantor, $60 for an altar server, $200 for the priest, $250 for the Basilica wedding director, and $350 for music. Turns out God is pretty reasonable in terms of pricing for fall weddings in the mountains. Huh. What a guy.

Favors: Because we got married in the mountains and I am, at my core, a very basic bitch, we decided to buy tiny Mason jars and fill them with assorted collections of trail mix. Between the 100 tiny Mason jars and bulk trail mixes we grabbed from Target, we came to about $400. That doesn’t count the pain and suffering my mom and I experienced when we hand-filled tiny Mason jars.

Additional Decor: Because I’m a psychopath, I decided at the last minute that the venue needed a few extra touches. We went to Michaels and Pier One and bought bundles of eucalyptus, frames, table numbers, signage, and other assorted decor to brighten up aspects of the venue space that felt a teeny bit bare. That came to about $350.

Doggo Boarding: If you don’t want to count this as an expense, then fine, but it did add in to our final cost. We have a schnauzer mix named Grover who would not be able to hang out around nine bridesmaids in long dresses, several hair and makeup people, a frighteningly collected mother-of-the-bride, and a near-freakout bride. We boarded Grover for two nights, which cost $100 total.

Personal Costs And Extras

There are a lot of things that you, personally, need for the wedding, way outside the realm of the day itself. You’ll need shoes, to get your hair did, to make sure your bridesmaids are happy, etc. Kyle and I kind of shot ourselves in the foot by having such a giant f*cking wedding party, which led to higher costs for makeup, hair, and gifts. So, if you do want to cut costs at your own wedding, maybe don’t be like me and insist you have nine bridesmaids. Or, just marry someone with less siblings. Either way.

Wedding Party Gifts: I bought robes and earrings for my nine bridesmaids, which came to $289.5o for robes and $178.20 for earrings. Kyle decided to get each of his nine groomsmen a custom tux. Let that f*cking sink in. He found some company in China that came very highly recommended for the fine work done by, I assume, tiny child fingers. For ten tuxes (his included), cost was $2,500. We also got a few little bits here and there for flower girls and ring bearers—let’s call that $150. So, altogether, gifts cost us $3,117.70.

Wedding Dress, Alterations, Shoes, and Accessories: My shoes were Blue by Betsy and were $159.80. My dress and alterations, although I can’t find the exact receipt, came to right around $2,100 which is a goddamn steal if I do say so myself. My veil was $264.47 (thanks, Etsy); hair piece was $200 (f*ck you, Etsy); and my earrings $63.50. I also bought a little purse for the phone I didn’t look at all day for $20 because I’m a jackass. That comes to a grand total of $2,647.97.

Hair and Makeup: Because I’m so f*cking nice, I paid for hair to be done for all nine of my bridesmaids plus a flower girl, her mom, and my mom for a total of 12 people for$1,220. If they wanted makeup, that was on them to pay for. Makeup altogether was $850 for nine people; of which I only paid $94. So that’s $2,164 for hair and makeup. We all looked really good, tho.

Rings: If you want to count rings, we can. I wouldn’t necessarily, but while I’m performing the sadomasochistic exercise of going through all my receipts for a one-day party, we may as well tack this on. My engagement ring was $2,500; my wedding ring was $1,500; and my husband’s ring was $300. That isn’t counting the money I spent on a replacement for him the first time he lost it or the time after that. That’s $4,300 on classy jewelry.

The Final Total

If you add up all of these f*cking expenditures, you’re greeted with a grand total of $56,957.74. That’s a down payment on a decent house, or a nice car, or a lot of things that didn’t have to be a one-day party. I am sure I missed a couple hundred dollars here or there that I blocked out for whatever reason, but it’s a pretty close figure.

That being said, I don’t regret our wedding one bit. Considering it was almost three years ago and people still talk about how much fun they had, I’d consider it a win. I’m sure people will @ me in the comments about how stupid it was to spend this amount of money, and you’re right. But let me live my life.

There are definitely things I’d go without and cut cost on if I had to do it all over. After the whole wedding whirlwind, we took a mini-moon and headed to Charleston, SC, skipping a giant trip until just last year, when we spent 10 days in Bordeaux and Lyon. The trip to Charleston didn’t require a plane ticket; we knew where to eat and what to do; and it kept the stress level over how much money we’d just spent to a minimum.

Images: Andreas Rønningen, Unsplash; KMI Photography (5); Anna Maynard Photography (1)

Alright fam, this episode of The Handmaid’s Tale was a rollercoaster. It swung wildly from amazing (Aunt Lydia flashbacks!!!!!) to absolutely terrible (stillborn baby close-up), and I’m just going to go ahead and say right now that yes, it does end with June looking directly to camera while kitschy music plays. How many times are the writers going to do this? At this point, every time it happens I can’t help but think of this video and start laughing uncontrollably:

Elisabeth Moss at the end of every episode of Handmaids Tale. Needle drops included. pic.twitter.com/WtgBaPget2

— Chrissy Shackelford (@ChrissySh) June 29, 2019

Can someone show the writers of The Handmaid’s Tale this video so they realize this trope is over and they can move on to something else? Please?

Back In Gilead

We open on a handmaid named OfAndy giving birth. It is truly hard to keep all these handmaids straight. I had no idea OfAndy was even a thing. Since OfMatthew revealed that she narc-ed on Frances the Martha and got her killed, OfMatthew must now face the snitch’s fate of getting stiches. What did she expect?

In this case, the stitches are emotional, as Gilead has been transformed into North Shore High School, with June acting as Regina George.

June: That was a really good prayer, OfMatthew. You’re so religious.
OfMatthew: Thanks!
June: …so you agree? You think you’re really religious?

The other handmaids are literally bullying OfMatthew while OfAndy gives birth. And when I say literally bullying, I mean literally. They’re shoving her. They’re snickering behind her back. At one point someone breaks something and blames it on her. It’s a whole-ass mess. And June is just standing there like:

The only person who is not into the bullying is poor, sweet Janine. She’s that one popular girl who always sticks up for the nerds because she’s low-key in all the AP classes with them and would probably be a nerd herself if she weren’t so hot. It’s not her fault she’s so popular.

This scene is difficult because, on the one hand, it’s tough to watch someone get bullied, especially when that person is pregnant and scared in Gilead. On the other hand, she totally snitched and got someone killed.

June sums this up best when she says “She got someone executed. She doesn’t feel sorry about it. She should have kept her f*cking mouth shut. Also that’s the ugliest effing skirt I’ve ever seen.”

Even Aunt Lydia takes notice of the bullying and tells June to “tell your friends to cool it.” Between Aunt Lydia saying “pumped” in the DC episode and her saying “cool it” in this episode, I think it is safe to say she’s been perusing Urban Dictionary.

At The Red Center

As with all cases of girl-on-girl bullying, the handmaids have now been assembled in the gym for trust falls. June is in the middle of the shame circle, but just like the kid who gets detention every day, it has lost its effect.

That is, until Aunt Lydia pulls out the Hannah card and makes June admit that her actions led to Hannah (who she calls “Agnes” because that’s her new name, unfortunately) losing her Martha and having to move. This clearly f*cks June up for a second, but just like Regina, June has a few pages of her burn book yet to reveal, and she’s not going to go down without a fight.

June: Yeah, well OfMatthew told me she doesn’t want her baby.

Clearly, June has taken it too far. Keep OfMatthew’s baby out your mouth. Like, I know she’s kind of tragic, but she’s Janine’s friend, so be nice to her, okay??? Also, harming a child and/or endangering a child in any way is a big f*cking deal in Gilead (except that one time Janine did it) so saying this puts OfMatthew’s life in genuine danger. Very uncool.

Speaking of Janine, she’s watching all of this go down like:

The group then turns on OfMatthew, who is already on the brink of a mental breakdown after all the bullying she endured at OfAndy’s birth. Hats off to actress Ashleigh LaThrop for conveying OfMatthew’s genuine terror here, and hats off to the cinematography for really putting us in this scene. I felt like I was the one getting bullied here, and frankly, I did not appreciate it.

At this point I start to realize that this episode has gone from Mean Girls to Heathers real fast (esp. with the red outfits) and that can only mean one thing: a lot of people are going to die.

Aunt Lydia Flashback

The best thing I can say about this episode is that it blesses us with the one thing we’ve all been wanting since season one: an Aunt Lydia flashback, complete with a sex scene. Didn’t actually know we needed that second part until it happened, but thank God it did. We’ll get to it later.

The first thing we learn about OG Aunt Lydia is that she was a teacher at a school. Makes sense. Her hair is down, she has a blow out, she’s rocking sensible flats and a flowy top, presumably from Chico’s.

Lyds has stayed late because one of the children in her class has yet to be picked up by his mother, whom Aunt Lydia clearly does not like. The principal of the school stops by and she immediately quotes the Bible at him, so clearly she hasn’t changed too much since the old days. The principal clearly digs this Bible reading, and the two of them have distinct sexual chemistry.

Can Aunt Lydia spit game?, I wonder.

Unfortunately, the flirting sesh is interrupted by the boy’s mother, who is clearly a struggling single mom. Aunt Lydia invites the two of the over for chili, but only so she can keep judging them and making shady comments. I have also done this many times to my dinner guests, so I get it.

At the chili cookout, Single Mom curses in front of Aunt Lydia, which would get you tased to death in today’s world. Since it’s not today’s world, Lydia’s only weapon is a vicious side-eye, which she uses often.

We end this scene with a couple more pieces of Lydia info:
1. Her full name is Lydia Clements.
2. She used to be married but he “was a mistake.”

Interesting…

In Gilead

We cut back to the Red Center, where Aunt Lydia is fulfilling her dream of making struggling women pay. She releases all the girls from the auditorium and thanks June for “telling what you know about OfMatthew,” but we know what she really means is “I’m on to you, bitch.”

Back at Commander Zaddy’s, June is trying to figure out where the f*ck Hannah moved to. I guess she should have thought about the fact that moving exists before she tried to break into her home and school. Hindsight is 20/20.

June: I need to know if you’ve learned anything about Hannah and the Mc—
Commander Zaddy:

Like most bullies, June’s home life is extremely f*cked up right now. Her Commander is mad at her. She doesn’t know where Hannah is. She’s struggling and lashing out at her peers. You hate to see it.

They get called to help with OfAndy’s birth again. I guess I didn’t realize that she never actually gave birth the first time. Shows where my priorities are at. The handmaids are all hands on deck for this baby, except for June, who is just chilling in the doorway. Maybe her parents wrote a note saying she could sit out?

Ultimately, the baby is stillborn and has the cord wrapped around its neck, which the director chooses to show us in vivid detail. Not something I necessarily needed to see on a Wednesday, but okay.

June sits out of the post-stillbirth group hug and instead pops over to go stare at the dead baby, which is some pretty extreme antisocial behavior from our girl June Osbourne. What’s her issue? Other than like, everything that has ever happened to her.

Finally, June returns to the Lawrence home, where the Commander inexplicably wants her to start hanging out with his wife again. Pretty sure that didn’t go great last time, but whatever.

June, who is clearly having some sort of mental break, responds to this attempt at friendship by laying into Commander Lawrence about the world he built, and how it affects his wife. Is she wrong? No. Was this the best moment to convey this sentiment? Probably not.

At The Aunt Office

And now for another glimpse into the daily life of Aunt Lydia, who apparently is in charge of deciding which handmaid goes where along with two other Aunts. They do this using a giant lazy susan and not like, computers, for some reason.

Do computers still exist in Gilead? They have to, right? I feel like a shared Google Doc could be helpful here.

At one point, Aunt Lydia refers to a family that “doesn’t want a handmaid of color”, which is significant in that it is the first time Handmaid’s Tale has addressed racism at all. Prior to this, you kind of got the impression that all racism was magically cured in whatever war happened. In my mind I rationalized this by saying that perhaps the fertility crisis has made people so desperate for babies it overrode hundreds of years of racial bias, but if that’s the case, this show should probably like, say that at some point. Just a thought.

Once the Aunts are done excusing racism, they go onto their favorite activity: sh*t talking June. Clearly, Aunt Lydia is not impressed with her mean girl turn, and the Aunts can’t help but notice that her walking partners keep going insane. Maybe it’s time to send her to military school?

Aunt Lydia Flasback #2

Wow. This next scene was a wild f*cking ride, so strap in because we’re about to cover a lot of ground. We start with Aunt Lydia at Single Mom’s house. Clearly they have become close, even though Lyd is still making condescending comments about her roughly every 30 seconds. Single Mom is unfazed by this (she’s got a lot of other sh*t on her plate) and decides that what Aunt Lydia really needs is a makeover. And starts sensually applying makeup to Lydia’s face. For a second I’m like…are they going to hook up? But they don’t. This is just a standard makeover. Lame.

Beat for the gods, Aunt Lydia goes out for a night on the town. Yes, you read that right. Aunt Lydia goes clubbing in this episode and yes, she is wearing a sequined top.

And who is she at the clurb to meet? Oh, just the hot principal from one flashback ago, of course! Not only are they hitting it off and looking amazing, it is also New Year’s Eve. Bold choice for a first date, but Aunt Lydia is a bold woman. She enjoys a single glass of champagne and then we cut straight to them doing drunk karaoke. Who among us hasn’t had the exact same night? One minute you’re enjoying a glass of champagne, the next you’re screaming “No Scrubs” to a room full of strangers. Life comes at you fast.

Speaking of fast, Aunt Lydia and Hot Principal go home together ON THE FIRST DATE. Now of course, there’s nothing wrong with going home with someone on the first date, but given Lyd’s entire personality, this is pretty surprising. The two start making out and it’s like…what’s gonna happen here? Is he gonna try to go too far and get pepper sprayed? Will this be Aunt Lydia’s first taste of blood?

Quite the opposite! Aunt Lydia goes to give Hot Principal a casual first date hand job and HE TELLS HER THEY ARE MOVING TOO FAST!!! He slut-shames Aunt Lydia!

In his defense, he does say that he wants to see her again, but Lydia is already heartbroken. And what does a heartbroken Aunt Lydia do?

F*ck.
Sh*t.
Up.

And by “sh*t” I mean the lives of two innocent people by reporting Single Mom to whatever the Gilead version of CPS is for “moral weakness.” Hot Principal watches all this go down with a sad look in his eye.

Where is the woman who tugged his dick just a few months ago? Or do hand jobs not count as moral weakness, just like they don’t count as cheating?

In Gilead

Back in Gilead, June is standing in the snow to meet up with OfMatthew who is not. doing. great. Like, she’s crying before they even get to the bus stop. They’re really layering this bullied child motif on thick.

They make it to the grocery store, and within five seconds we see OfMatthew losing her sh*t in the seafood aisle over a can of lobster bisque. The combination of the bullying, the pregnancy, and her natural narc-iness are too much to bear. Like many bullied youths before her, she is about to lose her f*cking sh*t in a public place.

Then, OfMatthew does the one thing you’re never supposed to do: she physically attacks Janine! Like, really beats the sh*t out of her! This is why you can’t be nice to people. Within 30 seconds, OfMatthew has gone full Carrie on everybody at Loaves and Fishes.

To make matters worse, she attacks a guard and steals his gun. So now she has a gun. Basically, OfMatthew was bullied so badly it drove her to buy a gun and open fire at a grocery store. I see no parallels to our current world there! None at all!

Just as we think she is going to shoot June (who is so crazy at this point, she just kind of stands there smiling), she turns her gun on Aunt Lydia. I know Aunt Lydia survived being stabbed seven times and falling down the stairs, but can she survive being shot at close range in the grocery store?

Sadly, we do not find out because the guards kill OfMatthew (who we learn is really named “Natalie”) right there next to the frozen shrimp. Damn. RIP OfMatthew. You mostly sucked, but I did feel bad for you at the end there.

As I mentioned before, the episode ends with June looking to camera while Nancy Sinatra’s version of “Que Será Será “plays in the background. Yawn.

Images: Hulu; ChrissySh / Twitter; Giphy (7)