Ep4records Music

We’ve now been in quarantine for over six weeks, and I’m running out of things to watch. What about Netflix, you say? Ha! I laugh in the face of Netflix. Too Hot to Handle? Done! Tiger King? Obviously. Outer Banks? Duh! You name it, I’ve seen it. So now that I’ve exhausted every option, I’m rewatching old movies that I used to have on repeat. Today’s film? He’s Just Not That Into You, which is one of those movies that has many interconnecting stories and features a plethora of A-listers that never were on set at the same time but wanted an easy paycheck. I’m going to recap it for you here, and friends, if you thought this movie was some sexist bullsh*t in 2009, just you WAIT until you watch it in 2020. 

We open on a playground scene. Baby Ginnifer Goodwin is getting bullied by a little boy, and before you ask, no, I’m not bothering to learn any of these characters’ names, so get used to it. Anyway. Ginnifer’s mom tells her that’s because he likes her. In voiceover, she tells us that for years, our fellow women let us believe this lie that if men are mean to us, it means they’re into us. She says it’s bad advice and just not true. She condemns it! I’ll urge you to bookmark this part right here, because it is the idea upon which the entire movie is built. If he’s mean to you, He’s Just Not That Into You. Remember this moment. 

We’ve moved off the playground and into a bar, as one does. Ginnifer is an adult on a date with Kevin Connolly, who is riding high off his Entourage success. The waitress asks if they’d like another round. Ginny is eager and Kevin hesitantly agrees. What a lucky girl! They leave the date, he kisses her on the cheek, and it is obvious to anyone with eyes that this is going nowhere. 

After they part ways, he immediately calls Scarlett Johansson because he’s just tipsy enough to think maybe she’ll suck his dick. Our heroine, Ginnifer Goodwin, thinks that he is calling her to leave a message. WHAT?! This is where I have to point something out, friends. This movie is not about men not being that into us. It is actually about a very sick individual, Ginnifer, who comes up with fantastical scenarios in her head based on little to no evidence, and who truly needs to be committed. Or should at least be forced to sit in the corner wearing a straitjacket for one hour. I will present my case throughout this recap, and I think by closing statements you’ll all be ready to vote to convict. This is Exhibit A. 

Now we pivot to a grocery store. Scarlett Johansson wins a free cooler and acts like it is her long-lost identical twin sister with whom she has been reunited with after many years of searching. She’s so happy to see this cooler that she cannot contain herself and gives Bradley Cooper, the man in line to check out behind her, a huge hug. I think this is supposed to be a meet-cute? But should meet-cutes make you feel this icky inside? Then they chat outside the Quickchek. 

Bradley Cooper: I can help you with your music career
Me: 

Oh and what do you know, when Bradley gets into the car his buddy Ben Affleck is waiting for him! At least he has a cheating guru to rely on. 

Ben Affleck then goes home to his girlfriend, Jennifer Aniston. It is now that I start to wonder if we’re in a movie, or is this just the darkest timeline?

Jennifer nags Ben because her little sister is getting married and they are not yet married after many years together. He tells her that “people who get married are not to be trusted.” WHAT?! That’s the best excuse you could come up with? Not “marriage is a sham of an institution”? “We don’t need a piece of paper to prove our love and commitment to one another”? There are so many pages he could have taken out of the “Man Who Doesn’t Want To Get Married But Can’t Stand Being Alone” playbook that would have been at least a little convincing; this one doesn’t even make any sense.

Next, we get a montage of Ginnifer acting absolutely out of her mind after her date with Kevin Connolly. She leaves her flip phone (lol) open during yoga (not how that worked, even back in the early 2000s), tells Jennifer Connelly that she knows where he hangs out, and then we see her at work with Jen C and Jen A (my GOD Jennifer is a popular name), and they are psychoanalyzing her date. Ginny! Just pour some wine in that work mug, get loose, and give him a call! As it turns out, that is what she does, and it also turns out that was some very bad advice. Whoops!

Kevin does not pick up, obviously, and Ginnifer leaves him a voicemail, which I just so happened to find a handy GIF of:

The ways we women will embarrass ourselves for a mediocre white man under 5’7” are truly astounding.

After that disaster, Ginnifer goes to the restaurant that Kevin said he hangs out in and tells the hostess that she is meeting someone! Exhibit B. You are not meeting someone, Ginnifer, you’re stalking. You’re working your way toward a restraining order. This is where she meets Justin Long, who will continue to demean women the entire movie in what I can only assume the director thought was a charming way? 

This is when Justin tells her about “The Rule.” He says, “If a guy is treating you like he doesn’t give a sh*t, he genuinely doesn’t give a sh*t.” I have no problem with the rule in theory; in fact, I think it’s a good rule and one I tell my friends every time they try to triple-text a guy who doesn’t even watch their Instagram stories. The problem, however, is that the movie spends the next hour and change disproving their own rule. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

So then Ginnifer goes home, eats some mini muffins, and comes to the revelation that if a man cheats on you at the beginning of a relationship, or is otherwise awful, they don’t really care about you at all. That’s all she came up with?! I’ve come up with more profound revelations after chugging two Four Lokos at a frat party my freshman year of college. 

OMG Drew Barrymore and ScarJo are getting pedicures. I dream of the day I can do that again. My feet do not belong to me anymore. My feet belong to Gollum. Anyway. ScarJo tells Drew about how she wants to pursue a married man (Bradley Cooper). Drew tells her about a homewrecker she knows who got a happy ending, so ScarJo should go for it! Reader, this is bad advice. 

Bradley Cooper shuts ScarJo down, having not heard the story of the happy homewrecker, I guess. So Scarlett goes right to Kevin Connolly’s house for a foot rub and some compliments. This might be the one realistic aspect of the entire movie.

Now Jennifer Aniston goes home and picks a fight with Ben Affleck about the marriage thing. She says to him, “I need you to stop being nice to me unless you’re going to marry me after.” How funny, I use that exact line on all my first dates. I think you all can understand why I’m still single now, huh?

Jen asks Ben if he’s ever going to marry her. He doesn’t answer. It’s okay, Jen! In 2020 he’ll be parading around LA without a mask and calling the paparazzi to take his picture during a global pandemic, so I promise you won’t regret walking out! 

Bradley Cooper then calls ScarJo back. He apologizes for not wanting to cheat on his wife earlier, he’s ready now. They make a plan to meet up at his office to “talk about her career.”

Meanwhile, Ginnifer is at happy hour. She meets a guy. She gives him her number, he gives her his, and then he says he looks forward to hearing from her. Instead of playing it cool, Ginnifer immediately chases him out and interrogates him like she is Carrie Mathison trying to figure out the mole. This is Exhibit C. 

ScarJo goes to Bradley Cooper’s office and asks him why he is married. God, Karen, you can’t just ask people why they’re married! He said that he and Jennifer Connelly dated in college and then she gave him an ultimatum that they get married or break up. What a beautiful love story! Can I submit it to The Way We Met? Then he paces around his office telling her that she’s hot. I will say, the writers really nailed the lines for dudes that like to cheat on their significant others, because I’ve never once had a man with a partner that’s attempting to pursue me text that he loves my personality. 

And now the very unstable Ginnifer is taping the card, which she ripped up, of happy hour dude back together so that she can call him. I guess she’s really looking forward to some less-than-mediocre conversation where he talks about his high salary before he makes her split the check, falls asleep on top of her after two pumps, and then texts her the next day asking if she’s on birth control. 

Instead, she calls Justin Long because she needs someone to emotionally slap her across the face. 

That’ll do the trick!

Now Ginnifer is on a different date and making out with a guy on his couch. He tells her he’s leaving tomorrow so he’ll be out of touch for a little bit. Better have sex tonight! It’s at this point that I’ve got to wonder how this woman presumably made it to adulthood in one piece being so naive. She goes to the bathroom to call Justin Long for advice. He tells her that she needs to go home, this guy is a liar, and doesn’t like her. He also tells her to take her time in the bathroom and make him sweat. WHAT IS THAT ADVICE?! Make him think you have bowel troubles and you’re just sh*tting uncontrollably in his bathroom? Just leave! You don’t have to make him think your IBS is flaring up just to get out of f*cking him! This is Exhibit D.

Bradley Cooper and Ben Affleck go boating. Bradley tells Ben that no guy actually wants to get married. And if they do, all they can think about is all the girls they’re going to miss out on. Wow, I didn’t know that trash was physically capable of sailing a boat.

Our favorite maniac, Ginnifer, goes to meet up with Justin Long and a friend he is setting her up with. His friend doesn’t show because Justin “mixed up the dates”, so instead he spends the whole evening telling her that women are dramatic, she’s pathetic like a basset hound (don’t you drag innocent puppies into this, Justin!!) and that if a girl doesn’t like him he just finds another girl with smaller pores and bigger implants. Wait, what? You judge your date on the size of their pores? No one should be taking this man’s advice.

Now we’re at ScarJo’s apartment and Bradley is there, and I guess they just had sex. Did I miss something? I mean, I did zone out for about 90 seconds to reevaluate all the life decisions that lead me to what is clearly the Bad Place, so maybe I missed a transition of some kind. Or perhaps this movie really is that clunky. Either could be true!

Ginnifer is sitting on her couch with her landline next to her. Is this 2009 or is this 1999? Because in 2009 I legit had my third iPhone. 2009 was the future! Justin Long calls and invites her to his party, where I can only assume they will be watching movies they rented from Blockbuster, playing on Tamagotchis, and listening to Pearl Jam. 

Then the next day, she goes to work and she tells all her friends that Justin Long is into her because he… *checks notes*… invited her to his party. Exhibit E. 

Justin, probably:

She’s also convinced that Justin mixing up the dates for his friend wasn’t actually a mistake, he has no friend named Bill, and that he just wanted to go out with her. So the man that has advocated for being upfront this entire movie, albeit in a pretty dickish way, is trying to mind trick her into going on a date? Now I’m not just concerned about her mental capacity, I also think she needs hearing aids. But I’m the only skeptical one here, because she convinces the Jennifers at work it’s true. Idiots abound!

Now we’re at Home Depot with Jennifer Connelly and Bradley Cooper. Jen and Brad are fighting over hardwood floors. She says fake wood is a liar and she doesn’t like that it’s pretending to be real wood. What a metaphor! It’s so profound, Bradley tells her he cheated on her. And then he’s basically like, “so I guess you hate me, I’m gonna move out so I can f*ck ScarJo in peace.” But then she tells him not to move out, and he somehow gets roped into staying together. I feel like this conversation about the state of their marriage probably should have been longer and not conducted next to thousands of tiny little shiplap samples, but ok.

Now we’re at this party. Ginnifer is snacking and telling people that something is going to happen between her and Justin and that she is “more than a guest.” Justin asks Ginnifer for some help and she asks “kind of like co-hosting?” This is Exhibit F. It is here that I must say I do not know any single women that would ever act this way. We just don’t happen to have boyfriends, we’re not deranged. I feel like this movie is really painting us in a false light. Also, nobody goes to a party wanting to host, that’s just extra work. 

After the party is over, Ginnifer cleans up Justin’s entire apartment while he plays video games with a Blake Lively look-alike. They couldn’t get the actual Blake for this movie? They sprung for everyone else. Ginnifer says that it’s 3am, so the Blake-a-like leaves. Ginnifer lingers. Justin tells her he has to go to bed, clearly blowing her off, and so naturally she jumps him. She says she thinks they are in a relationship (Exhibit G; at this point, I fully expect to make it to the end of the alphabet and then into some numbers), and he reiterates that he told her if a guy is into a girl he would make it happen. He calls her insane (fair) and they get into a big fight and she finally goes home, which probably involves getting on a spaceship to whatever foreign planet she lives on.

That scene was the most horrifying thing that has been on my TV in years, and I fall asleep to Dateline every Friday night. And the writers really got it wrong. Sure, sometimes women and men start out as friends and end up dating. I mean, it’s never happened to me, but I’ve heard about it on the internet! But I just don’t think that after Justin telling her all this time that a guy would make it happen if he’s interested, that she would just throw herself at him when he’s not even acting interested. He’d rather play Call of Duty than acknowledge her presence! This would never happen.

Now we’re at the office, and Jennifer Connelly is telling Ginnifer that Bradley Cooper is cheating on her. She says she needs to take responsibility because she forced him into getting married and now she’s not fun anymore. And that they never have sex anymore. Ginnifer tells Jennifer that it is not her fault (yes, that sentence killed me inside too). This is the only not insane thing Ginnifer has said this whole movie, and I am proud of her brief moment of clarity. I mean, even a broken clock is right twice a day.

OH NO, THIS SCENE. Bradley Cooper has Scarlett in his office and her positive career meeting is making them hornier than the idea of losing $20,000 is to those kids on Too Hot To Handle. They start to get frisky in his office when his wife shows up! He shoves Scarlett in the closet, screws his wife, and she leaves. That office has an awful lot of windows for the amount of sex going on it, but who am I to judge?

Scarlett comes out of the closet and tells Bradley he’s a disgusting excuse for a man. But like, you knew he was married? And you were about to do the same thing with him? 

ScarJo is sad after being forced to listen to Bradley Cooper’s muffled grunts and Jennifer Connelly’s unenthused heavy breathing, so she calls up Kevin Connolly and finally lets him bang her again. She says she wants to be with him, but as we zoom in on her cold, empty eyes in the middle of the night, her face reveals the truth. Once again, this plot line is the only one in the whole film that captures the truth. 

Jennifer Connelly goes back to her house and realizes that Bradley Cooper has been lying to her all along. She smashes a mirror, which is foolish because it means seven years of bad luck! But I guess she did have to be married to a dude who picks up mistresses at the bodega for the last seven years, so maybe she’s already done her penance.

Jennifer Aniston and Ben get back together and she says she doesn’t need to get married, he just needs to let her eat Wheat Thins in bed. Amen, sister! But maybe dream bigger. Eat a four-course meal in bed. Beds are the new tables! I mean all of that hypothetically of course, haven’t done it myself lately, no way. 

Kevin Connolly takes ScarJo to visit a house and he says he wants to buy it. Well, that escalated quickly. She can no longer hide her disgust for him and dumps him. I hope he can get that deposit back! 

Bradley comes back to his house and finds his sh*t nicely packed and left on the stairs. Wow. If neatly folding your cheating spouse’s items as a way of telling them you want a divorce is not the sign of a sociopath, I don’t know what is. 

Ginnifer gets back from her date with Bill. So Bill does exist!  Justin Long knocks on her door. He tells her he fell for her and he kisses her. He tells her she is the exception to the rule. WHAT? You mean to tell me that the 120 minutes this movie just spent telling me that women are the rule and not the exception is actually completely going back on its word?! I AM SHOOK. 

AND THEN! Ben Affleck proposes to Jennifer Aniston. She is also the exception! I’m suing for my time back and emotional distress.

Finally, we cut to ScarJo singing a sad song in a bar and wearing ostentatious red lipstick, obviously to remind us that homewreckers end up alone. Bradley Cooper is back at the Quickchek buying beer, and Jennifer Connelly moves into a new house to begin a new life with an unsmashed mirror. 

This part of the movie is where I really lose it. It just spent HOURS telling us that if a man is mean to you, he doesn’t like you. And then in 30 seconds it dismantles that entire premise with the equivalent of a “jk lol” text. While I know I shouldn’t expect too much out of a movie whose script was clearly written on the back of a napkin, I can’t help but think that this sends a horrible message to us single women around the world. He doesn’t act into you, but he really is (Ginnifer!), he says he won’t marry you but then he does (Jennifer!), I’m confused. Do I believe what men say, or do I not? In fact, the only single woman that seems remotely real to me, the one who is enticed by a hot married man, and dates a guy she doesn’t actually like because she wants to be loved, is the only woman who gets an ending that seems sad and hopeless. But she’s the only woman who even partially understands the message of “he’s just not that into you.” The movie actually punishes the idea it presents. They should have just called it He’s Definitely Into You: How To Snag A Lying Liar Who Doesn’t Want To Get Married.

We end with Ginnifer finally co-hosting a party, and telling us in voiceover to “never, ever give up hope that you’ll find love.” Sure! That, or you could just beat a man down into loving out in what can only be some form of Stockholm Syndrome!

I hope you all enjoyed reminiscing as much as I did, now I’m off to text the dude who was rude to me at Shop Rite yesterday. He totally wants it.

Images: Netflix; Giphy (5)

In case you somehow missed it, Hannah Brown and Tyler Cameron are quarantining together. And now, another possible Bachelor couple, Peter and Kelley, was seen out and about actively disobeying social distancing protocols. I guess we can finally say for sure that Bachelor producers don’t pick their cast based on intelligence, right? And Bachelor couples aren’t the only couples that are quarantining together—real celebrities are doing it too! Why aren’t these people worried they’re going to hate each other by the end of this? I’m quarantining with my mother and I’m 99% sure the only reason she hasn’t murdered me yet is because she doesn’t want the nine months that she carried me in her womb to be for nothing. So, it’s either very brave or very stupid of these celebrities to spend an undetermined amount of time together. Let’s take a look at which celebrity couples have decided to take their chances, and attempt to answer the eternal question: do celebrities that quarantine together stay together?

Shawn Mendes and Camila Cabello

So I guess this charade is still happening. Shawn and Camila have called the paparazzi on themselves been spotted out in Miami multiple times since quarantine began. Aggressively kissing, of course, because no one would buy that they’re a couple if they’re not swallowing each other’s faces whole. Oh wait, we still don’t buy it. Shouldn’t have wasted the saliva, guys! But that was SO sweet of them to remind us that it’s possible to stay fit while under quarantine—I mean, look at those abs! Could you livestream a workout for us, Shawn? Should I buy any equipment? Will I need to put down my Cheetos? Anyway, I’m not too worried about this couple breaking up in isolation. They’ll only break up when their contract says to, and I’m sure their lawyers thought of a pandemic clause.

Ben Affleck and Ana de Armas 

Another couple doing their part to make sure the paparazzi stay employed during this unprecedented time of unemployment is Ben Affleck and Ana de Armas. I’m veryyyyy concerned about these two. First, they went from dating to “these are the sounds my body makes” in about .5 seconds. Second, they seem to really want people to know they’re banging, in a time when people reallyyyy don’t care. We’re just trying to secure enough toilet paper over here! Honestly, I’m happy that Ben is happy, partially because I think he makes things harder for himself than they need to be, but mostly because The Accountant is an underrated movie for which he did not get his due. But also, I beg of you, stay home! And actually, maybe I am very worried about this relationship because if they can’t obey an order to stay home that is strictly to SAVE LIVES, maybe they’re getting sick of each other already?

Leonardo DiCaprio and Camila Morrone

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Fostering a puppy during this quarantine time has been the single best decision. For all my friends showing interest in doing this, DO IT. You won’t regret it❤️❤️❤️❤️ these sweet creatures need you so badly

A post shared by Camila Morrone (@camilamorrone) on Mar 19, 2020 at 3:09pm PDT

This one has me shook. Yes, Camila and Leo have been together for a while. Yes, there are no parties for Leo to attend at this time. Yes, Coachella was canceled. Yes, his infamous Pussy Posse does have too many members for the CDC to allow them to hang out right now. But I never thought it would come to this. Leo alone with a girlfriend for an extended amount of time? Giving her the impression that they might just be serious? The world really is ending. According to Harper’s Bazaar, Leo and Camila are in quarantine at his LA mansion and “they’re always together, but like maintaining privacy.” I assume that means that when Camila starts talking about TikTok he sends her to her room, right? They’ve even decided to foster a dog! I’m flummoxed. Look, I can’t tell you for sure if these two will make it through, the only thing I can tell you is that if we’re still in quarantine when she turns 25, they definitely will not.

Demi Lovato and Max Ehrich

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when u realize u should’ve packed more for your quarantine stay 😅🤦‍♂️ have a blessed Monday filled with health, happiness, safety, joy, love, & laughter <3

A post shared by MaxEhrich (@maxehrich) on Mar 23, 2020 at 12:27pm PDT

I just said to my mother that now might be the time to get into soap operas. But I didn’t mean to, like, get into them, you know? Someone must have said the same thing to Demi and she took it very literally because it looks like she is quarantining with Max Ehrich, an actor on The Young and The Restless. Wow. That show title just hit hard. According to People, Max has posted Instagram stories of himself cuddling with Demi’s dogs, and a shirtless picture saying he didn’t pack enough for his quarantine. No one did, Max! Demi responded in the comments, “Fine by me…”. So I think it’s safe to say they have plenty to do to pass the time. 

Ariana Grande and Dalton Gomez

I know you’re wondering if you should know who Dalton Gomez is, but don’t worry, you shouldn’t, and we broke his details down for you here. I’m honestly shocked that this guy is not a YouTube star because I find if I don’t know a name I hear on a celebrity website, they’re most likely a mildly offensive human who gets paid $24 million a year to tape themselves doing dumb sh*t. But, this guy is a realtor. Ariana met him through friends and apparently he sells multi-million dollar houses. Not right now you don’t, Dalton! Ain’t nobody got any money. We all know that Ariana is great at a quick, intense relationship *cough* all those Pete Davidson tattoos *cough* so this relationship might really thrive for the next few months. But once this is over and all of us mole people return to the light? They’re done. 

Best of luck to all these quarantining celebrity couples, and may the odds be ever in their favor! Which celebrity couples do you think will make it out of isolation without hate in their hearts and blood on their hands?

Images: Debby Wong / Shutterstock.com; maxehrich, camilamorrone / Instagram; Giphy

Living through a historic pandemic is a real damper on everyone’s love life. Whether you matched with a potential prospect right before lockdown and now can’t see them for the foreseeable future, you have someone kinda special but you’re still figuring it out, or a significant other who is significantly far away from you, creating a connection has simultaneously never been harder and easier. If there was ever a “good” time for our society to go through a crisis like this, at least in 2020 we have video calling, social media, and other technologies that can keep us in touch with the cuties in our lives. 

We’re all figuring out how to date during this pandemic as we go, and sure, scheduling a FaceTime chat is great, but is it enough to keep some semblance of romance alive? I spoke with Maria Sullivan, Dating.com’s Vice President and Dating Expert, to get her recommendations on quarantine date ideas for all types of relationships, whether you’re sparking a virtual flame or trying to keep one going. She said, “a meaningful spark is, more often than not, developed over time, and removing the possibility of getting together in real life can also remove any of the typical pressures and insecurities that come along with it.” Sounds promising! But what can we actually do? Here are some quarantine date ideas for couples at every stage.

For The “Not Really A Couple” Couple

Dinner Date: Get to know each other the old-fashioned way, but in a new-fashioned way. Make yourself a dinner, pour a fat glass of wine, and set up your date on FaceTime on the other side of the table. Even if you haven’t met in person yet, Sullivan says, “now is as good of a time as ever to see if their voice and personality resonates with you before making solidified in-person plans”. You’ll be able to figure out if you truly like talking to this person, and if you don’t, there’s no awkward kisses at the end. TG. 

Camp-Style Ice Breaker Games: You know at summer camp, or anywhere really, where they made you do those dumb ice breaker games? Well, they’re actually a great way to get to know someone. Who would have thought? Two Truths and a Lie, Truth or Dare, and the dangerous Never Have I Ever are all quick bonding activities that give you a good idea of someone based both on their answers as well as their questions. Turn it into a drinking game since I know you were going to anyway.

Game Night: Invite your maybe-mate to a virtual game night with your friends on Zoom so they can “meet” (read: be judged by) your friends. It takes the pressure off of you, and after they hang up, you’re already on a multi-way call with all of your friends so you can gossip. Sullivan also adds, “show your situation-ship you noticed them among the crowd by taking this more personal and calling them next.” 

For The “Official But Still Fresh” Couple

Netflix Party: Start a new show together and watch it simultaneously. Use an extension like Netflix Party to watch the same Netflix show and video chat at the same time. Make some popcorn, eat the whole bag yourself, and don’t even think twice about it. This show is YOUR show now. Just for the two of you. No one else has even heard of Tiger King.

Virtual Cook-Off: Even if you can barely make scrambled eggs, try a virtual cooking competition. Sullivan states, “this is a fun way to keep the spark alive with some friendly competition and gives you quality time to chat while you learn something new together.” Plus, you’re really the only one who is going to actually eat it, so maybe just focus on presentation?

Draw Each Other: You’re still in the phase where you can’t stop staring at each other’s face, so why not draw it? Ever heard of “take a picture; it lasts longer”? Well how about “draw a picture; it takes longer and always comes out kind of weird”? Use your favorite picture of your person and do your best. FaceTime each other and do a live reveal to see what they really think of how you did.

For The “Calloused Yet Codependent” Couple

Wine Tasting: If you are lucky enough to live in an area where they are delivering alcohol, send each other wine that you think the other person would like. This also works for food. Sullivan states, “by remembering their favorite foods, you are showing your partner how much you care and bringing you two closer even if, for right now, you are farther apart than you’d like to be.” Just make sure you actually know what they like, because this could go from a date to a disaster in one wrong move. 

Photo Review: Pick out your favorite pictures of the two of you and take turns sending them and talking about why they’re your favorite. Sullivan suggests, “share some of your favorite throwback photos with your significant other, or reminisce about the early days of your relationship.” This will spark conversations about your favorite times together, and suddenly you’ll be too busy talking about happy times that you forget that you haven’t showered in six days.

36 Questions: It’s like the 21 Questions game you played in high school, except the first question isn’t “are you a virgin?”.  The New York Times published a list of 36 questions to ask your significant other. Even if you know everything about each other, you may not know each other in this specific way.

For The “Two Peas In A Quarantined Pod” Couple

Board Game Decathlon: Set up all of the board games you have all over your house/apartment and play them at the same time. A new turn means a new game. You may be killing it in one game but totally losing in another. Just hope that Monopoly is not in the mix. That sh*t takes forever.

Build A Fort: Building a fort was one of our favorite things to do as a child for a reason: it’s so fun! Construct your own Castle of Comfort in which to watch a movie, play a game, or make out in for a while. Sullivan suggests, “decorate the room with lights, pillows and blankets, make popcorn and grab some candy to snack on while you watch your favorite romantic show or movie together.”

Fashion Show: Designate a runway somewhere in your apartment/house, choose outfits for each other, blast some music, and STRUT. YOUR. STUFF. Make sure to pose for pictures at the end of the runway. Then you can post them on social media to show everyone how fun you are and how boredom isn’t driving you into a pit of despair. 

Spa Day: Pamper each other. I’m talking face masks, champagne, bubble baths, mani/pedis, massages, happy endings. Whatever makes the two of you feel luxurious and silky smooth. Plus, it’s an excuse to get your hands all over each other. *wink*

Above all else, stay inside, stay connected, and try not to kill each other.

Images: Jason Briscoe / Unsplash

Just five short weeks ago, Peter’s season of The Bachelor ended. There were highs, there were lows, there was Barb—and during every commercial break ABC never failed to shove their newest blight upon humanity down our throats: Listen to Your Heart. The show is supposed to be a truly unhinged mix between The Voice and Bachelor in Paradise with musically talented singles pairing up to sing duets, fall in love, and troll Jed Wyatt one more time. If you had told me five weeks ago that I would have willingly subscribed to one more reality TV monstrosity taking over my life I would have laughed at you. But now that I’ve lost all semblance of time and the highlight of my day is taking my dog out to sh*t, I’m starting to change my tune. In fact, I’m starting to think Mike Fleiss might have orchestrated this entire pandemic to force us all into watching this second-rate Bachelor knock-off that no one would have watched had we not been legally ordered to stay in our homes. Mark my words, it’s going to come out in a few months that his least favorite ABC intern ate that bat in Wuhan. Now then, let’s see what this show is all about, shall we?

Things do not start off strong. Chris Harrison stands outside of what appears to be an off-brand Bachelor Mansion. I can tell it’s not the mansion we know and love, because the decor suggests the interior designer had an alarming amount of coupons at Urban Outfitters to spend, and the original Bachelor Mansion would never.

Did he…? Did he just… compare these wannabe musicians to the iconic talent that is BRADLEY COOPER AND LADY GAGA?? DID HE?! Chris Harrison is like “this show is just like A Star is Born!” and it’s like, you do know that someone dies at the end of that movie right, Chris? Though I have a feeling bloodshed is encouraged in all facets of this franchise. 

Like any other Bachelor season, we’re treated to a sneak peak of the contestants before they arrive at the house. I appreciate this because, while normally I would have done my homework and already had a detailed record of every contestant’s age, date of birth, and AOL screen name, as well as photographic evidence of the face they were born with, I’m going into Listen to Your Heart completely blind. Here are my first impressions:

⭐︎ Bri says she’s from Utah and she looks like the sort to have orchestrated her escape from some religious farm by bargaining with Mike Fliess to appear on this show. 

⭐︎ Is Sheridan sponsored by Subaru? Is this a commercial?

⭐︎ Savannah is a yoga instructor and the more she talks about her chakra, the more I worry it’s telling her to set her ex’s house on fire. She has that energy to her. 

⭐︎ Trevor looks like he was grown in the bowels of ABC studios as a slightly altered version of Jed. If his resume suddenly includes “dog food jingle writer” we’ll know what’s up.

As I watch so much bright, hopeful energy bound across my screen, I can’t help but wonder what the rules are here. Are there limo entrances? And if so, for what purpose? Will contestants need to impress Chris Harrison with their unique rendition of the “Cupid Shuffle” to obtain entry into the house? And once they’re in the house, is it just one big free-for-all? WHAT ARE THE RULES!! 

Jamie hops out of the limo first, and I immediately hate her. She says that music is her love language and she says that like a person who definitely has that phrase tattooed in sanskrit down her spine. Christ.

After Jamie we meet Matt, whose most distinguishing personality trait is that he has a beard. I already hate him when he tries to pretend like he’s never heard of The Bachelor. Oh really, Matthew? You’ve NEVER heard of one of the most popular reality dating franchises to ever exist? What’s next? You’re going to tell us that you think Stagecoach is a “music festival” and not a Bachelor-sponsored orgy?

MATT: I want to say that’s Chris… Hemsworth?
ME:

Inside the mansion, Jamie is immediately drawn to what appears to be a perfect human rendering of my Edward Cullen fanfic. To really hammer this point home for me, Edward Cullen (aka Ryan) tells Jamie that he once had brain surgery but “it was awesome.” To clarify, the question was “what’s something really good about your childhood?” Yeah, I’m pretty sure you could have just talked about the one time you learned how to backflip at the neighborhood pool, but okay Ryan. 

MICHAEL TODD: I just want to make some really good music

Yeah, said every failed musician ever. 

Wowwww. I didn’t even know I could feel things anymore after living in this vast wasteland of quarantine, but I am feeling SO MUCH rage for Michael Todd. He’s made me feel alive again. Bravo, Michael.

Chris Harrison comes out and I’m expecting him to tell us the rules. Like, what are they winning? An engagement? A music deal? Just an STD? We aren’t given any clarity. Instead we’re told that the girls must each choose a guy during the next rose ceremony (we aren’t told when said rose ceremony will take place) and if a guy isn’t chosen, he’ll be going home. So I feel like this premise is basically the same as Bachelor in Paradise except they’re also going to make our ears bleed in the process. Got it. 

I’m genuinely shocked that not only is Sheridan here, but he’s actually making a connection with a human woman. When I saw his audition for a Subaru commercial earlier I thought FOR SURE this guy and his hat collection would not make it past night one, but I should have known there would be a Julia. There’s always one. 

Julia tells us that when she’s not pursuing her music career, she’s running a non-profit she started from scratch! Oh, in her spare time she just runs a non-profit? In my spare time I try to dissect where it all went wrong for the Olsen Twins one paparazzi shot at a time, but we all have our thing I suppose. That’s so very chill, Julia! 

JULIA: *talks about her non-profit*
ME: *shovels chips into my mouth*

Now that Chris Harrison is officially off the premises, locked in for the night at his own mansion, sipping margs and watching a slideshow of his best headshots, the mansion has completely surrendered to anarchy and mob rule. Matt and Rudi are running around in swimsuits, beelining for the hot tub ON NIGHT ONE. This isn’t spring break at Panama City Beach, kids! This is the goddamn Bachelor. Show some respect. 

Meanwhile, Jamie ditches Edward Cullen to entertain the Jed Wyatt look alike, Trevor, in the hot tub. By my count, we’re only an hour into the episode and already TWO COUPLES have fornicated in the hot tub. What am I watching here?? Aren’t they supposed to be seeing if these people are compatible with them musically too? When Chris Harrison suggested you guys test out each other’s vocals he didn’t mean in the bedrooms, you pervs!

TREVOR: Jamie and I have a lot in common… musically.
ALSO TREVOR:

If by “musically” you mean the two of you now have the same strand of chlamydia, then yes I believe you do have a lot in common, Trev!

Ryan And Jamie’s Date

Edward Cullen gets the first date card of the show and asks Jamie to go out with him, not knowing that mere hours beforehand she was on her way to earning herself a full-blown yeast infection in the hot tub with Trevor. Poor Eddie.  

For their date they get to work with John Mayer’s music producer, and Jamie is acting like the only microphone she’s ever been in front of is the one at Ruby Tuesday’s karaoke night. Actually, I’d like to see her resume, please. What exactly qualifies her to be on this show? Lip syncing to Kylie Jenner’s rendition of “Rise and Shine” on TikTok doesn’t make you a musician, sweetie! 

Okay, wow. I was honestly not expecting to witness any decent singing on this show, but I’m blown away by Edward Cullen’s voice. Dare I say I’m rooting for the guy? I hate that I’m acknowledging that any of these sycophants Mike Fliess found on the streets of LA might actually have a speck of talent, but damn. That boy can sing. 

Meanwhile, Jamie is struggling. You can tell she’s surprised they’re expected to do things like hit musical notes or perform in front of industry legends. She already said music was her love language, what other proof do we need from her that she’s a star!! Luckily for her, her date is a human cinnamon roll and he offers to change the key to better suit her voice. Is this what love is?

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Will they find love? ❤️🎶 #TheBachelorLTYH

A post shared by Listen to Your Heart (@listentoyourheartabc) on Apr 13, 2020 at 6:09pm PDT

Matt And Mel’s Date

Matt gets the second date card of the week and has to choose between a girl who visibly shuddered and tried to drown herself in a vat of boiling chlorinated water rather than kiss him, or Mel. He goes with Mel. Honestly, I’m worried for him. When Rudi finds out he ditched her for the date, she’s LIVID. So livid that I’m wondering if she is about to pull some basic bitchcraft and curse Matt to eternal damnation. 

RUDI: I curse you and your beard, Matt! May you and your future lineage never know love and may your biggest success be as a cruise ship performer from now until the darkness claims you!
PRODUCERS: What if we just send them to a Plain White T’s concert and make them share a hay bale with complete strangers?
RUDI: That will work too.   

I don’t know if it’s the witch’s curse or the fact that Mel is unable to show human emotion, but I’m not seeing any sparks between these two. I will say the editing is PHENOMENAL. As Matt and Mel sway together on a hay bale, the cameras cut to Moody Rudi who is having a full-on mental breakdown in front of a mirror. Who knew that during middle school sleepovers the face I used to see in the mirror after chanting “Bloody Mary” three times was actually Rudi’s? Crazy.

The Rose Ceremony

You can really tell everything about the caliber of these contestants just from their first rose ceremony attire. There is more animal print in this room than in the entire Tiger King documentary, and I’m seeing more of Rudi’s asscheeks than I ever asked for. Meanwhile, Trevor is wearing a corduroy jacket he got at the Gap 10 years ago. TO A ROSE CEREMONY. Is nothing sacred to you people??

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I don’t care what you say they are the same person

A post shared by The Snatchelor (@its_thesnatchelor) on Apr 13, 2020 at 5:22pm PDT

Chris Harrison tells the group that they need to figure out where the connection lies between each of them, and once again it’s unclear as to whether he means musically or sexually. Which head do they need to be thinking with, Chris? They need clarity!

No one is more torn this rose ceremony than Julia. On the one hand, she’s very sexually attracted to the guy everyone in the house refers to as the “jacked-up Mr. Clean.” But, on the other hand, there’s Sheridan and his hats. How’s a girl to choose??

Okay, YES. This is the confrontation I’ve been thirsting for to fill the Barb-sized hole left in my heart from last season of The Bachelor. Matt realizes that Mel is more sexually attracted to a sandwich than she is to him and so he sets his sights on Rudi again. Little does he know, Rudi is unhinged. I mean, the girl considers a cheetah print romper WITH CUTOUTS formal attire. What did he expect?

MATT: This is getting to be way too much.
MOODY RUDI:

Honestly, Matt, you need to f*cking RUN. 

Matt’s like, “I feel like I just went 12 rounds with Mike Tyson”. HAHAHAHAHA. Look, if that’s not the foundation of a beautiful relationship then idk what is, Mattie!

Jamie is still torn between Trevor and Edward Cullen. On the one hand, Edward is talented, kind, and willing to compromise musically with her. On the other hand, she has Trevor, who would probably look really good on her Instagram. What a pickle she’s in. 

Okay, WOW. She has not one, but two guys serenading her with John Mayer songs? Is John Mayer getting a cut of this episode? Also, Ryan is CLEARLY the better John Mayer, Jamie! Get your head out of your ass and just pick him already!

And that brings us to the rose ceremony. It goes as such:

⭐︎ Savannah picks Brandon
⭐︎ Mel picks Gabe
⭐︎ Bekah picks Danny
⭐︎ Bri picks Chris
⭐︎ Cheyenne picks Matt
⭐︎ Julia picks Sheridan
⭐︎ Jamie picks Trevor… booooooo
⭐︎ Moody Rudi picks…. Ryan!!!!!

And that’s a wrap for this week, kids! We’ll have to wait until next week to see if any rules of the show will finally be revealed or if the contestants will continue living in this state of utter anarchy. At this point I’m thinking there’s a better chance of the hot tub spreading a staph infection to the entire cast than us getting any clarity. Sighs. Until then!

Images: ABC/John Fleenor; Giphy (4); @its_thesnatchelor /Instagram (1); @listentoyourheartabc /Instagram (1)

Organize Your Hours

Make Time For You

Define Your Space

Look, working from home isn’t easy. Working from home during quarantine as a result of a worldwide pandemic is hard. Add kids to the mix and you’ve got a recipe for a breakdown. Stop, breathe, and tell yourself the work will get done, the kids will be fine, and someday we’ll all go to brunch again.

Images: Charles Deluvio, Unsplash; Giphy (3); @lauren.benbassat

If you’re running out of shows to watch during your quarantine, thankfully there’s some new content coming next week. Next Monday, the new streaming service Quibi launches, with tons of new shows, all with episodes under 10 minutes. Thank god, because that’s the exact length of my attention span these days. Shows to look forward to include Chrissy’s Court, hosted by Chrissy Teigen, and Tyler Cameron’s new show Barkitecture. But there’s a new contender for Quibi show I’m most excited for: Nikki Fre$h, starring Nicole Richie.

I’ve always loved Nicole Richie—I basically grew up on The Simple Life—but in the past few years, I feel like she’s really come into her own. She’s hilarious, seems super happy with her adorable family, and is loves showing off her million pets and gorgeous homegrown plants on Instagram. Nicole has always been quirky, and she’s not afraid to get weird in whatever she does. In her new show, she “unites her passions for Mother Earth and hip hop into her eponymous alter ego, Nikki Fre$h.” Sounds wild, tell me more.

Basically, Nicole Richie loves the the planet and she loves hip-hop music, and what more do you need to make a reality show? In the new trailer for the show, we get a glimpse at the artistic mission that drives Nikki Fre$h. She wants to make “conscious trap,” a new genre that is “music for everybody: teachers, rabbis, Virgos… but mostly moms and gays.” This sounds like… something I absolutely want.

One of the trailer’s best moments is when she meets Bill Nye (yes, the Science Guy), and introduces herself as “a gardener, a speaker for the bees, and a trap icon.” Whatever is going on here, I already know I’m going to love it. And behind whatever ridiculous outfits she’s wearing for her even more ridiculous music videos, there’s an actual purpose to the show. Through the show, Nicole “will interact with real life seekers and consciousness experts to learn ways to better serve our bodies and our planet—while comedically exaggerating those solutions to the edge of sanity.” Considering we’re all at the edge of sanity right now, this sounds perfect.

If you were a fan of Nicole’s previous reality show Candidly Nicole,the new show has the same showrunner and executive producer, so we’re definitely in for a treat. And if you haven’t seen Candidly Nicole, it’s amazing, so get on that right f*cking now. Nikki Fre$h premieres along with the Quibi launch on April 6th, and according to the trailer, there will be new episodes every single day. What did we do to deserve this? Oh right, we’ve all been locked in our houses for three weeks. Whatever, at least this show will make us all laugh.

Images: Quibi; Quibi / YouTube

Raise your hand if you’ve felt personally victimized by COVID-19. Now raise your hand if this pandemic caused you to miss out on a long-awaited vacation. (You can’t see them, but both my hands are raised right now.) If you’re like me, you might be wondering WTF our rights are when trips get canceled for any reason, whether it’s coronavirus related or not. Do we pull a Karen and ask for the manager? Should we accept that voucher credit or fight for a full refund? Allow The Points Guy CEO and founder, Brian Kelly, to fill you in on everything you need to know about canceled trips, especially during this pandemic. 

When Are You Entitled To A Refund Or A Credit?

Great news! Thanks to a recent update from the U.S. Department of Transportation, Kelly says, “airlines must refund passengers in the event flights are canceled, significant schedule changes are made, or government restrictions prevent flying due to the coronavirus outbreak.” This means that if they cancel your trip to or from anywhere in America, you’re entitled to get your money back. If you cancel first, you might only get a voucher for the face value of what you paid. So before you call JetBlue to bail on your trip to Aruba in June, he recommends waiting it out as long as you can (in hopes of scoring that $$$). 

If you do wind up getting a voucher, Kelly says it’s always worth asking for additional value. I can confirm that I’ve done this in the past and 100% will do it again because it works. So yes, we WOULD like to speak to a manager, TYVM. 

What About Canceling Hotels & Airbnbs?

Right now, Kelly says, “most home sharing companies and hotels are being more flexible than normal, even allowing cancellations of no refund, pre-pay reservations.” So if you need to be the one to cancel your Airbnb lake house or Hilton suite next month, NBD. He claims the best way to get in touch with someone is by calling customer service or reaching out to the brand on Twitter. 

“You can typically cancel a trip directly on the site, but if you’re looking for a full refund, getting [one] typically isn’t automatic and will require you to call and speak with a representative,” he adds. “Some airlines like Delta allow you to text via app so you don’t wasn’t time on the phone. There are also apps out there, including one called DoNotPay, that will wait on hold for you so you don’t have to.” Whoever came up with that app idea is a genius, just saying. 

Are you one of the lucky ones who always reaches the least forgiving associate? Join the club. If you run into any trouble with a certain phone agent, do one of Kelly’s favorite tricks: politely hang up and call back. He says sometimes you can find a nicer agent who’ll be more likely to help after you end the first call and try again… which is a brilliant idea. Why didn’t I think of that sooner?

Oh, and as hard as it may be when you’re stressing over potentially lost money, don’t forget to be nice to all customer service members right now. “It’s important for travelers to remember that these airline representatives are going through this pandemic, too,” reminds Kelly. “Try to be as kind and patient as possible.” Fine. I guess I won’t flip out on Susan when she tells me I need to be put on hold for the third time in five minutes.

So What’s The Deal With Travel Insurance? Should You Get It?

Trip cancelations are exhausting. Contacting companies and waiting to see if they’re going to give you back your hard-earned cash is way too much of a hassle. Is travel insurance the tripsaver we all need from now on to save us from these future struggles? Well, better question… WTF is travel insurance? 

Basically, Kelly explains that people invest in travel insurance to protect their purchase in the event that they need to cancel or modify their trip for whatever reason. Bad news, though: Epidemics and pandemics are rarely covered under travel insurance policies… because let’s face it, how often do these crises happen? Before buying anything, Kelly reminds to “always make sure to carefully read the terms and conditions of the policy you’re planning to purchase and what it does and does not cover” to make sure it works for you. “If you’re nervous about booking upcoming travel or you just recently booked travel, you may want to consider a cancel-for-any-reason (CFAR) add-on policy,” he suggests, “Typically, you’ll get back 75% of your trip and you can cancel for any reason within a set time frame.” That sounds great and all, but just be prepared to shell out a pretty penny for a policy like that. The investment might be worth it for anxious travelers, though. 

Can You Get Perks On Your Next Trip If Your Last One Sucked?

Whether you had endless COVID-19-inspired delays on your last flight or your hotel room wasn’t sanitized enough to make you feel safe from exposure, you might be able to score some benefits on your next trip. “If you complain appropriately to an airline about a past experience, you’re likely to get a voucher,” says Kelly. It might be tempting to turn this into a habit if you’re a thief you keep having mediocre experiences, but try to complain only when you NEED to. “Some airlines who equip their flight attendants with iPads or devices can check to see if you’ve had a bad past experience, but don’t count on it. It never hurts to give feedback regardless so they can work to make the experience better.” From personal experience, complaining about bad hotel stays and flights (when warranted) almost always scores you a free stay, refund, credit, or an incentive to come back, too. If you need help writing a lovely ~feedback~ letter to a company with just the right amount of passive aggression, DM me. I got you.

Does It Make Sense To Sign Up For A Travel Card Right Now?

If you recently had a negative experience but you’re not a big complainer (who are you?) but still want some kickbacks, Kelly also suggests “opening an airline credit card, which will give you perks like early boarding, free checked bags, and/or more legroom seats.” Down to sign up for a new travel credit card to prepare you for future trips once this pandemic is over? He claims your best bets right now are flexible currency cards like the Chase Sapphire Preferred or American Express Platinum card, where you can transfer points to a variety of hotel and airline partners. Once you get enough points and miles, you can redeem them for cash, rewards, trips, or flight seat upgrades so you can be a bougie b*tch in first class while the old you would’ve begged for another bag of “free” chips in Row 26.

Ugh. All I know is I can’t wait to be back in the air in cheap AF Row 26 again. After two canceled trips and being cooped up inside for months because of COVID-19, I’ll never take traveling for granted again. Ever.

Images: @stilclassics / Unsplash; GIPHY (3)

At this point, there’s really no excuse for not knowing about TikTok. Six months ago, anyone over the age of 23 could just say they were too old and keep it moving, but things have changed. You see TikTok videos all over Instagram, that one friend keeps texting you TikTok links, and you might have even downloaded the app out of sheer boredom. But just because you can admit that there are some funny people on TikTok doesn’t mean that you’re fully ready to embrace ~TikTok culture~.

And with good reason! The people who thrive the most on TikTok are literal teenagers, and I personally make it a point to steer clear of following children on social media. I just feel like it’s not a great look, but there’s one TikTok teen in particular that has been totally unavoidable lately: Charli D’Amelio. She’s now the most-followed person on TikTok, but like, why? Who is Charli D’Amelio, and why is she so famous? Let’s take a look.

Before we get into anything else, we must address the fact that Charli D’Amelio is only FIFTEEN YEARS OLD. As in, she was born in 2004. Like, not old enough to drive without a parent in the car in many states. Honestly? I’m sick. This girl is busy planning her sweet 16, and she already has a casual 48 million followers on TikTok. Meanwhile, I’m just over here hoping my selfie gets 100 likes on Instagram. It’s fine, I’m fine.

Charli’s meteoric rise on TikTok has happened unbelievably fast—she just joined the app last summer. Since then, she’s amassed over three billion views on her videos, and a few weeks ago, she overtook fellow teenager Loren Gray as the most followed person on TikTok. Considering that it took me approximately six years to get to 1,000 followers on Instagram, she clearly figured this sh*t out fast, and it’s impressive.

So what does Charli D’Amelio do on TikTok that makes her so appealing? Like I said, I have a no-teenagers policy when it comes to following people on TikTok, so I was mostly unfamiliar with her content. Scrolling through her page, the thing that struck me the most is that her videos are… not super unique? Like, she’s a cute girl, mostly just doing random TikTok dances. Here’s an example of what Charli does—there are literally hundreds of videos like this:

@charlidamelio♬ original sound – samantha_long_

Okay, so like, she has cool loungewear and good lighting and she can learn a dance like anyone else? I mean, that’s more than I can say, so I respect it. But there’s a secret ingredient to her viral success: Hype House. If you’ve never heard of it, you’re lucky here’s what you need to know. Hype House is a group of ~20 Gen-Z TikTok stars, including Charli and her sister Dixie, and they all work together on making viral content. In addition, there’s an actual Hype House in LA, where a smaller group of them live. Remember, these are high-school age kids, so this is kind of like when Olympic gymnasts get shipped off to live wherever the good coach is, except for these kids, the Olympic medal is getting millions of TikTok followers.

If the idea of the Hype House is absolutely insane to you, same, but they’re not the only ones using this model. In January, The New York Times went in-depth on the evolution of these so-called “Content Houses,” which have been around in various forms since 2014. They were originally mostly made up of YouTubers, but now TikTok has also become a booming industry. These houses are sometimes run by managers and agents. Hype House was actually started by Lilhuddy, a 17-year-old with millions of TikTok followers of his own.

Speaking of Lilhuddy, his actual name is Chase Hudson, and he and Charli just so happened to be dating for the last several months. That is, until today, when Charli announced on Instagram that they’d broken up. For the past few weeks, rumors of Chase cheating on Charli with a girl from a different content house (*rolls eyes*) have circulated online, and I guess this is the confirmation we needed. Quick reminder that everyone here is a full-ass child, and their personal lives are messier than anything that’s happened on Vanderpump Rules.

I’m not sure what this breakup means for Charli’s future in Hype House, but at this point, she’s bigger than all the rest of them, so she’d probably be fine on her own. Since blowing up on TikTok, Charli has gotten a lot of big opportunities: In January, she signed with UTA, one of the largest talent agencies, she appeared in a Super Bowl commercial, and was even invited to make a TikTok with Jennifer Lopez at the Super Bowl. Casual.

Just this week, Charli teased on Entertainment Tonight that there may be a reality show about her family in the works, so if she’s leaving Hype House, she probably won’t miss out on any of the clout. I hate to say it, but I would probably watch that show, and I would be too embarrassed to tell anyone how much I liked it. So hopefully now you have some concept of who Charli D’Amelio is, so at least when she comes up in conversation you can smile and nod and pretend to know about TikTok. As aging millennials, it’s the least we can do to stay relevant.

Images: NBC / Contributor/Getty Images; charlidamelio / TikTok; charlidamelio / Instagram

In case you missed it, there’s a lot of scary sh*t going on in the world right now, and to help the fight against coronavirus, Betches started the Good Influence Fund for Corona Relief. In the past week, we’ve raised over $40,000 for four amazing organizations, and on Tuesday night, we hosted the first-ever Instathon to support the Good Influence Fund.

Our three-hour event featured live games and interviews from some of our favorite celebs and reality stars, pre-recorded videos from even more special guests, and only a few technical difficulties. If you missed the Instathon, we’ll be uploading all the best segments on YouTube soon, but here are the best moments that we need to talk about.

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We know you have no plans tonight, so join us at our LIVE Instathon fundraiser for @goodinfluencefund and and do something valuable with your time. We’ll have interviews with @countessluann and @kristendoute, live DJ sets from @itsjameskennedy and @charlyjordan, and a whole lot more, all while raising money for those affected by coronavirus. This is the one IG live you’ll want to watch. Tune in TONIGHT starting at 6pm EST.

A post shared by Betches Media (@betches) on Apr 7, 2020 at 1:51pm PDT

Colton’s Coronavirus Story

When Colton Underwood announced that he had COVID-19 a few weeks ago, it was pretty shocking. At that point, there were only a handful of really high-profile people with the virus, and Colton is the epitome of someone young and healthy. Thankfully, Colton has fully recovered now, and he joined the Instathon to share his experience, and urge others to stay safe.

Colton also shared that he has antibodies for fighting the virus now, so he’s looking into the possibility of donating blood and plasma for research purposes. Regardless of what you thought about Colton on The Bachelor, this is awesome.

So Much Bravo

I love Bravo, you love Bravo, so we’re bringing you all the Bravo content you could want. Luann de Lesseps joined us to talk about the new season of RHONY, and told us that Sonja Morgan would definitely be her ideal quarantine buddy. If anyone from Bravo is reading this, please make that happen as a spin-off.

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so excited to announce MENTION IT ALL, our new podcast dedicated to breaking down all things Bravo. first episode drops 4/17, subscribe now at the link in bio.

A post shared by BRAVO BY BETCHES (@bravobybetches) on Apr 7, 2020 at 3:49pm PDT

Countess Luann also helped us announce our brand new podcast Mention It All, dedicated to breaking down all things Bravo. Hosted by myself and Bari Rosenfeld, the first episode is dropping next Friday, April 17th, and the Countess herself will be our very first guest. It’s going to be a party.

Later in the show, Kristen Doute joined us, and we quizzed her on who said some of the most iconic Vanderpump Rules quotes. She pretended not to know who new cast member Charli is, and I’m living for that shade. Scheana also popped up in the chat to show some love for Kristen, so it’s safe to say they’re on good terms right now.

We also had one more Bravolebrity guest…

We Love DJs Now

DJ JAMES KENNEDY. The White Kanye closed out the show with an epic See You Next Tuesday DJ set, complete with his new song with Lala Kent. Brb, adding it to my quarantine playlist. Earlier in the night, DJ and model Charly Jordan also joined for a quick set, and it was f*cking amazing. Also, she apparently has a million fans from Italy, so that’s cool. Honestly, I’ve been skeptical about Instagram DJ sets in the past, but I think I love them now? James and Charly’s sets were exactly what I needed, and everyone in the comments seemed to agree.

A Whole Situation

The Situation and his wife Lauren Sorrentino joined us to play a quarantine edition of The Newlywed Game, and they brought their own notepads for their answers. I love when the talent comes prepared. Mike and Lauren were mostly on the same page with their answers, and they’re actually such a cute couple. They told the story of how they met in a college math class, which was fun because I really never thought I would hear The Situation say the word “integers.” My jaw also dropped on the floor when he casually mentioned prison. Do I need to start watching Jersey Shore again? Perhaps.

Joey Sasso Talking ‘Tiger King’

Netflix has pretty much been knocking it out of the park so far in 2020, and the Instathon brought us a much-needed crossover moment. The Circle winner Joey Sasso shared his thoughts on Tiger King, and in that moment, I felt truly alive. Basically, he’s 100% sure that Carole Baskin killed her husband, which like, same. He also low-key thinks Joe Exotic shouldn’t be in jail, which like, I’m not so sure about. Whatever, I could listen to Joey talk about Tiger King and skincare for hours.

Speaking of Netflix killing it in 2020, we couldn’t forget about Love Is Blind, so we got Amber and Barnett to play The Newlywed Game too. They are so cute, I can’t.

Lindsay F*cking Lohan

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How much money are we trying to raise for corona relief? The limit does not exist @lindsaylohan. Visit betches.co/donate to contribute.

A post shared by Betches Media (@betches) on Apr 7, 2020 at 5:16pm PDT

The Instathon wouldn’t have been complete without a surprise guest, and I kind of still can’t believe it. Lindsay Lohan, who’s quarantining with her friend in Dubai, answered some of our burning questions, and talked about her new song, “Back To Me.” She looks great, seems happy, and says that she has more music and acting projects on the horizon, so it’s going to be a big year for LiLo. Take Lindsay’s word for it: when it comes to raising money, “the limit does not exist.”

Missed the Instathon? It’s all good. Subscribe to our YouTube for more videos from the show, and it’s not too late to donate. To get all the information on the Good Influence Fund and make a contribution, go to betches.co/donate.

Images: Betches / YouTube; betches / Instagram