The world isnt divided into cat and dog people, but pet and petty ones
To celebrate International Cat Day this week, Facebook put its best and brightest to work on this groundbreaking study: cat people are single; dog people like horrible movies.
As I read through the descriptions of things cat people like reading The Hobbit alone in a basement, apparently I was like, Thank god Im not a cat person. And as I read through the things that dog people like watching Duck Dynasty in a group I was definitely like, Dogs are the worst. I am, as scientifically confirmed by my dislike of all the things cat people and dog people love (including cats and dogs), not a cat or dog person. But try as I might, the cat v dog debate is not one Ive been able to avoid.
Ive always been a little surprised how often it comes up. Yes, I know its supposed to be lighthearted fun, but its still everywhere. Ive been asked if Im a cat or dog person in job orientations, on online dating questionnaires, at cocktail parties. My answer has usually been, Im whatever type of person doesnt ask pointless questions.
And as I was rolling my eyes in judgment of the tastes of both types of people as described in the Facebook study, I realized there are two types of people in the world, but they arent dog people and cat people: they are pet people and petty people, and Im the latter.
I scorn both cat and dog people alike. I wrinkle my nose in disdain at your pet pics. I judge your movie choices whether you are a cat person who loves Alien or a dog person who loves the Blind Side. I laugh inwardly at whatever music it is you listen to (which this study didnt cover, but Im going to go ahead and be petty and assume its awful, whatever it is).
I dont want your dogs slobber on me, and I dont want your cats hair on me. I cant tell if that picture you posted on Facebook is of a new cat or an old cat because all cats look like cats to me. I will not attend your pet weddings. I will not celebrate your pet birthdays. And unless your pet has learned how to tell some great jokes, I firmly believe it has no place in dinner party discussion.
And, petty as I am, Im really sick of this cat v dog discussion excluding people like me. So, using Facebooks ultra-scientific information on cat and dog people (pet people) and my own personal knowledge (petty people), Ive decided to reframe this data in a way that includes me and my petty brethren. Youre welcome.
Books and movies
Cat people tend to like sci-fi and fantasy, while dog people like books about love and animals, according to Facebooks data wizards. That is: pet people like books and movies. Petty people like Twitter beefs, Instagram fights and YouTube response videos.
TV shows
Cat people like anime and cartoons, while dog folks like shows with oddballs, like Duck Dynasty or One Tree Hill. To which petty people say: Lol, seriously One Tree Hill? In 2016?
Relationship status
Cat people are more likely to be single, and dog people are more likely to be paired. That is, pet peoples relationship status: they have one. Our relationship status: petty.
So the next time youre at a dinner party and you feel the urge to ask about cat and dog people, instead ask: Are you a pet person or a petty person? A pet person will answer you by immediately digging their phone out of purse or pocket to show you 500 pictures of their cat laying on various surfaces, like all other cats in the entire world. A petty person will blink at you slowly and sigh.
Because whether a pet person likes their furry house animals to crap in a litter box or prefers that they crap out in the yard, they are being judged equally by those who do not like animal crap at all.
Read more: https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2016/aug/10/facebook-study-cat-v-dog-lovers-counterpoint
