I recently went through US Customs and the officer asked me the standard “do you have cash more than $10,000 on you?” question.
I responded: “I wish! HURHURHUR”
Her response: “If I had a penny for everyone who cracked that joke in front of me, I’d have the $10,000 by now”
…I totally deserved that.
Mail carrier here. “You can keep the bills !” hur hur hur
Selling lottery tickets. Im like what numbers would you like? Everyone be like “the winning ones”.
Bruh
Bored Panda talked to HaiKarateAquaVelva, who asked Redditors worldwide for their annoying job joke stories. Their thread was so popular, it got over 69,200 upvotes and more than 26,600 comments in just over a day.
“I made the post because at my job, I regularly get a lot of the same types of comments over and over from folks who surely think they’re being witty, funny, original, and oh-so-clever… not!”
“This is all harmless of course, and I don’t mind it one bit. Even after hearing the same couple jokes/comments for the 823rd time. I’ve been guilty of doing the same thing more times than I can remember, I’m sure,” HaiKarateAquaVelva noted.
“But I figured there are other job positions that get the same kinda deal. Since my job is a bit unconventional and probably wouldn’t resonate with a lot of people if I cited my own experiences, I chose to go with another, more relatable profession, thus the “It didn’t scan…” scenario.”
HaikarateAquaVelva, who mentioned that they are a Bored Panda fan, said that they didn’t expect their thread would get so much attention: “But the post I made came from nothing more than a fleeting thought, and I never expected such attention from what was only a whimsical curiosity. It was cool to read through so many responses and having a laugh or two.”
Cake decorator here- people would come pick up their orders and jokingly tell me I spelled the name on the cake incorrectly. They would watch me get upset with myself and offer to fix it, then tell me they were just kidding.
I’m a veterinarian. Some clients do actually say “if you really loved animals, you’ll treat them for free right?”
I’m obligated to ask those visiting my work place if they have any weapons to declare.
“Just these guns!” flex
Since starting my job as a writer at Bored Panda, I’ve heard variations of three dad jokes related to my occupation. People tend to ask me if I write about pandas all day. Furthermore, they ask me if I’m bored at my job. And lastly, they wonder if we have any pet pandas at the office. The answers to those, in order, are: No, but I write about cats and dogs a lot; I’m having too much fun to be bored; and we don’t have any pandas (yet), but we’ve got doggos! In fact, there’s a huge dog right next to me at the time of writing, and it’s awesome.
Now, I actually enjoy hearing corny jokes like these. But I appreciate that people working different jobs eventually run out of patience. Like customs workers who keep on hearing ‘I wish’ when they ask people if they have more than 10,000 dollars cash on them. Or repairmen who hear ‘do I get a new one’ when they can’t fix a small problem on a client’s computer. And we can’t forget about nurses who take your blood and are absolutely exasperated after being called a ‘vampire’ for the thousandth time.
the lady that draws my blood said that she was tired of people calling her a “Vampire”
I work in a call center. I have to ask “was there anything else I could help you with” at the end of the call.
-“Yes bring me a coffee with that”
-“make the sun shine again”
-“got the winning lottery numbers?”
-“yeah. What’s your number you have a sexy voice”
I just ignore them now and wish them a good day
“Giving out any free samples today?”
Sir, if I did that, it’s a bank robbery.
Humor is one of the best things in the entire world because it helps us relax, increases our lifespan, helps us bond with other people, allows us to see the world in a different light, and helps us stop taking both ourselves and life far too seriously.
“I just want a BLACK. COFFEE. None of this crap-u-she-no chocolate unicorn frap-aye glitter [crap]. Just a medium black COFFEE. I don’t care what size you call it but whatever’s MEDIUM I want THAT” Like ok u could also try “medium black coffee please”…
As a church musician, I’ve heard things like:
“How does it feel to have the largest organ in town?”
I’m in the military. “Thank you for my freedom.” While I appreciate the sentiment, I guarantee I have done literally nothing to protect your freedom. You do that all by yourself by voting.
If you want to thank me for your safety, I’ll accept that. Safety and freedom are not the same thing.
However, humor in modern times is no longer free from intense scrutiny, as some individuals believe that the freedom of expression doesn’t extend to stand-up comedy, for fear of somebody being insulted. Louis CK, Dave Chappelle, and Bill Burr are examples of legendary comedians who have spent their entire lives poking fun at society, injustice, and hypocrisy, wherever these might be found. And yet, they have received a large amount of criticism for some of the jokes they made recently because they drew attention to some uncomfortable details about living in the 21st century. Whether you enjoy these comedians or think that their humor is crass, wouldn’t you say that the freedom to express your thoughts on stage is important to protect?
“So, what’s the matter with you?”
“You tell me, you’re the doctor!”
I do commissions.
“Can you draw a headshot of my dog in color”
“Yeah sure it’ll be 6$ (I do really cheap commissions because it’s my hobby)”
“Oh you want me to pay!? I thought you liked to draw?”
“I do like to draw but it’s no different than buying a cake from a bakery, the shop owner likes to bake but the materials cost them money and we’d like to get some of that money back”
“Ugh never mind I don’t want to pay to get a drawing of my dog” It’s happened at least 6 times in the two years I’ve been doing this
As a cop, I’d say the most common one I get is: I didn’t do it man!
Bro chill, I’m just trying to buy a red bull and some donuts..
Stand-up comedy on stage is one thing, but offensive jokes at the office can be a big no-no, depending on company rules. If you’re ever in a situation where a colleague tells a completely inappropriate joke, then there are several things that you can do.
I’m in ultrasound. We do a hell of a lot more than just scanning pregnant people, but we get a lot of people who ask, “Is it a boy or a girl? HAHAHA” during abdominal and vascular studies.
I work in IT. Any time something breaks on the computer it’s
“Hehe, oh no, guess I have to go home!”
Every. Single. Time.
Vet tech here. Whenever I take a patient’s temperature:
“Aren’t you going to at least buy her dinner first?”
According to Small Business, you can ask your co-worker to explain the joke to you, so that they understand why it might be inappropriate. Then, if your colleague doesn’t get it, straight-up tell them in a calm, collected manner that you think what they said was offensive. You can also refuse to laugh at similar jokes.
Not a profession, but it kind of relates to this.When people who don’t need glasses ask to try out my glasses and ask how I can see with them.
Well my child is only failing Because you are a bad teacher. Not Because he refuses to study and does not pay attention in school
Pizza delivery. If you happen to pass by anyone else at all on your way to the customer, they will say “You can just leave that right here ha ha ha.”
As a last resort, if your co-worker keeps on throwing out incredibly offensive jokes left and right, consider reporting them to human resources or to a manager. Just make sure you’re not reporting someone for an innocent dad joke that you’ve heard a hundred times before.
I’m a psychologist, not a mind reader. You can relax when you talk to me when I’m off duty : I don’t want to figure you out. Quite frankly I don’t care. You do have a problem with your mother tough.
Administrative worker here, not from customers, but from literally anyone that doesn’t work in an office, “so you get paid to do nothing? ‘
Synthetic chemist. “can you make me drugs?” or other Breaking Bad related comments.
And yes. Yes I can. But I wont.
I work in an office, and the boss often leaves me in charge if he’s away. I have one co-worker who, every time I’m covering, will arrive in the morning and say “Hi boss! Since you’re in charge— can we all go home now? Hurr hurr”
That, and “are you working hard? Or hardly working?”
Travel Money Bureau.
every time im checking if some notes are legit or not, its “they should be fine I printed them this morning”
har de har har
I work in the meteo (not a scientist, just an IT guy) and as soon as people know this, it’s all “Hey can you fix me some good weather for the bbq this weekend?”
I work in IT. “Should I just… tUrN iT oFf AnD oN aGaIn?!”. Yes, yes you should.
So you can give me the good stuff eh? Wink wink nudge nudge eh?
Im a nurse not a cocaine dealer, also yes.
Web developer. “Come on, [deceptively complicated change that looks simple] shouldn’t take you so long!” B**ch. You are not a web developer. You have no idea how long writing code takes. You don’t get to tell me how long it should take. Only I get to do that. Also, just because something looks simple doesn’t mean it won’t take hours to implement.
I serve banquets. I’ve had many middle aged men say the same exact joke to me when serving their Cream of Chicken with Wild Rice “How do you tame wild rice?” I usually play along but the last time it happened I told him the answer and he was [frikkin] bewildered.
Groomer. “I brush him everyday!” The dog is matted from chest through back legs, and behind ears and tail.
“Just do this one thing [for a new/prospective client]. It will lead to more work.”
How ’bout just pay me for this one thing and we’ll talk about future work too. This is not a hobby.
In IT; No, you don’t get a new phone/laptop/iPad if you throw it out the window / run it over, etc. You get fired you psycho.
I’m a researcher working for the Government of Canada. Them: “Hey, did you know my tax dollars pay your salary?” Me: eye roll.
Policeman here. The old,”He/she is here, i’ve got him, he’s the one you’ve been looking for”, as they grip their relative/friend/nearest person to them and look at you manically….
I work in the Deaf community and people always see the name of the charity I work for and say “Pardon?” then laugh like they’re the funniest person in the world. Little bit of my soul dies every frickin’ time
When I worked at a ski shop setting up snowboard rentals I’d ask how they wanted their stance, regular or goofy, so I could set the bindings up. At least 3 times a week, for the 6 months a year we did rentals, for the 4 years I worked there, I heard from dads “well he rides regular, but he’s pretty goofy hahaha.” By the end of my time there I never even bothered with a fake chuckle anymore, I just didn’t have it in me.
“So you can make my photo look great and not look like I was running in a poorly-lit hallway using a crummy camera?”
Graphic Design (user of Photoshop). I can create some nice stuff, but what I can’t do is turn back time and make you take an good photo.
I work with a lot of graphic designers. It’s not that I want the logo bigger, it’s the two idiots above me making me insist upon it.
I am so sorry.
I worked at a branch campus library for my alma mater: “What do you mean you haven’t read this book to tell me what it’s about? What do you even do it here all day?” Not read obscure textbooks about topics I’m not required to study, that’s for sure.
When I worked at a winery: “This must be the best job in the world! (read: you get to sit and drink wine all day)” Yeah because I’m totally allowed to guzzle half the stock while I’m on duty. /s
When I worked as housekeeping in a hospital: “Can you come do that at my house?” I don’t even do this at my house, so no.
When I worked for the post office: “You can keep the bills!”/”Bring me anything good today?”/”Is there a check for a million dollars in there?” No thanks./I don’t know, I didn’t open it./How tf should I know that?
And my husband the teacher gets a lot of “Summers off must be nice, huh?” or “Must be nice to only have to work nine months out of the year, right?”
Receptionist here. I previously answered calls with, “Company Name, how may I help you?” and 50% of the time (or so it felt like) the response I’d get was, “Well, I don’t know how YOU can help me”. I switched it up to “how may I assist/direct you” but I still get the ol’ “Well, I don’t know…”
It’s not cute. Just tell why the eff you’re calling so we can both move on with our days!
I’m a singer! I went to college for music and have been doing it professionally for sometime now.
I usually get, “Omg my granddaughter’s cousin’s niece is a singer! You guys should meet up!” Or, “sing something for us!!” And then if I don’t feel up to it they say “how can you be a singer if you don’t want to sing in front of people?” I love it 🙃
Bike (bicycle) messenger. ‘You’re on a bike ? This should be delivered before next week, hurr hurr’.
Also every year during the Tour De France : “You’re lost buddy ?” All f*cking day long.
I used to be in the beer industry (selling to supermarkets) and I’d get “you can just load that pallet into my truck” every day.
Now I’m in the elevator industry and about once a week I get “I bet that has its ups and downs.”
Not a profession but: I’m a guy with long hair (to the middle of my back). I hear stuff like “Did your hairdresser die?” or “When are you gonna cut it off?” or any hAhA uR gRiL jokes all the time. It’s not funny guys and you’re not the first to come up with it.
Stocked shelves at a grocery store for a few months in college and some guy was angry because he had been in line for a few minutes and no one was there to ring him up. He found me and asked what was going on and I kindly told him I’d go grab a cashier to check him out and he goes, “No it’s fine, I can just leave with my stuff. I mean, I don’t have to pay if no ones gonna wait on me,” or something like that. I laughed sarcastically with a deadpan face and told a cashier there were customers waiting.
They didn’t pay me enough to stop him if he tried.
“So can you come look at my car?” -Mechanical Engineer.
I know nothing about cars.
I work in the music scene making beats and tracks for rap artists
Everyone always asks “Can I sample this track?” or “Use it for one of my songs?” and they say “imagine the exposure it will get you.”
Ultrasound tech. Male patients: am I pregnant HAHAHA
As a nurse, almost any time I give anything remotely close to a painkiller/sedative to patient, the family says something along the lines of “CAN I haVE One tOo HyUcK HYUCK HYucK”
I work in a nursing home and sometimes we have a resident that is constantly trying to leave and go home, because they don’t remember that they live there. The on going joke is someone asking, “Can’t we just tie them to a chair?” (No, we cant. Just for those of you who actually think that’s an option.)
I worked at a bank for 4 years. The amount of idiots that go “gimme all your money. Just kidding I’m not here to rob you.” Or “I guess all this cash makes it look like I sell drugs. I don’t though!” is staggering. And in the future, if anyone wants to make the second joke just know that they usually end up having to flag your account to check for money laundering activities so hopefully you aren’t actually selling drugs.
Edit: I also just want to add how many people would come in on Halloween and be pissed and shocked that we would have the audacity to ask them not to wear masks. That being said it was a hunting town so people constantly came in with knives and for some reason we were ok with that.
“Who is walking who?” – whenever I am taking a big dog to the back… hur hur
I work at a car dealership. I’ll get customers come inside upon finding the keys accidentally left in a vehicle. They almost always say, “Found your keys out there, you know I could have just driven away.”
It’s like they want a reward for not stealing our vehicle.
I work in a pre-school. Multiple times a week parents say “I don’t know how you guys do it!” Referring to taking care of multiple toddlers all day. It’s always the parents who leave their toddlers with us for 9-11 hours who say this.
Dairy farmer: brown cows give chocolate milk. I milk brown cows. They don’t give chocolate milk.
I work for a major spirit company and at least once everyday the pubs I’m calling on will say “got any free bottles?” and then when I say “no, unfortunately not” in the nicest possible way, they will make the rest of the call really sh**ty.
“Oh you’re a mechanical engineer? You must know a lot about cars.”
My medium rare steak has blood in it. I’ll take that for free please
And this is our accounting department. “Lol, put some extra money in my check, lololololololol.”
At Starbucks, we have categories and buttons for all the drinks.
When we get a new drink, there is a new button but no one tells us where the button is. It is either in with normal lattes or frappuccinos or it’s under the seasonal category on the opposite side of the screen.
So when a customer orders a new or special drink, we go on a wild goose chase for the button that seems to not exist. The customers will say “Oh you can’t find it? How about you make it and just let me take it.” My boss just tells us to ring them up for a basic drink and make the special one until the button is added.
The button is never added
I don’t have one like that exactly…
What I get a lot of is: “Wow, that’s like… professional!” Which is a massively backhanded compliment. I’m a fabricator. Professionally.
video production
can you make (photoshop) me look thinner?
Paramedic: After we’ve dropped a patient off (think interfacility transfer) and heading back to the elevator with an empty stretcher, someone always asks, “hey, can I get a ride to my car?” I usually reply: “Sure, $300, cash up front, but if you want me to clean it first, $500, oh, and you probably want me to clean it.” When we’re washing the rig at the end of shift, people actually ask what we charge to do their vehicle. Har dee [frikkin] har. Also, my contract fee for automotive washing is $100/hr, minimum 1hr charge. A totally had one guy tell me to learn to take a joke for that! “Nice park job, assh*le!” Hmmm, big white truck, blinky lights, I wonder if you call the local constabulary to report me, what ever will they do? Hmmm, rough night shift, feeling salty and drinking, maybe number 3 doesn’t apply?
Work in cardiac ultrasound imaging.
“Can you tell my wife out there i actually have one?”
“Is it a boy or a girl?”
“So is it working?”
Legit. Hur hur hur
Worked in the casino guest rewards, you sign up you get perks of some sort ours was a small amount of pts. to use towards slots then changed to some stuffed animal…(I know, we’ve all hated that idea) but if we’re ran out or the system was acting weird it was, “well guess you gotta give me X amount of money” … the other one after asking, is there anything I can help you with…”yeah point me to the winning machine” followed by the fakest laugh of my life.
Waiter here.
“Can I get you guys anything else?”
“Yeah, a boatload of cash!”, or alternatively, “A wheelbarrow”
Stripper here. Our version is definitely:
“How about I give YOU a lapdance!”
As a Recruitment Consultant: “Haha so you just do your magic and find a job for me! Bye!”
Paramedic here, I ALWAYS get the old ladies saying “oh! My taxi!” Or “You coming back for me later?”
Also well known in the beer industry:
“It’s the [insert color] truck out front. HURHURHHR.”
“It’s free today right. HURHURHUR.”
“It’s buy one get 29 free right? HURHURHUR.”
“Man this job must be awesome…getting to sample all this beer. HURHURHUR.”
“Oh he’s paying for mine too. HURHURHUR.” (This one is good because it usually gets the unknowing customer before this and sometimes after this guy to respond with one of the before mentioned jokes)
something breaks “AWWWW MAN I’M REPORTING YOU FOR ALCOHOL ABUSE. HURHURHUR.”
Seriously—people thinking working with beer is awesome. It is. But it isn’t.
I work in IT. “Have you tried turning it off and on again? ” never gets old.
I work in IT, when something doesn’t load for people, they love asking “is it the server?”. Yes it’s the server….all 50 of them…
Landscaping – “hur hur do you want to come do mine (beds/lawn/etc) next? Hur hur”
Phlebotomy.
Oh lord, the vampires here, let me call you back
I have terrible veins! They roll; they’re deep, and you have to use a butterfly!
Well damn, how many tubes you need?
I ain’t gonna have one more drop of blood by the time I get outta here
What they testing me for this time? A what? Like I know what that is.
If I can’t fix a random-ass problem on someone’s PC, I get “so do i get a new one hurr hurr” so often it hurts.
“there was a typo on the quiz, so that question doesn’t count” or “I was absent that day, so I don’t have to do that assignment”
Photographer. Please make me look thin.
[helps them pose instead]
